English 101 Olivia Wood
To This I Don’t Believe
By: Alexis Enanian
Alexis Enanian
Olivia Wood
English 101
To This I Don’t Believe
In life you will get hurt, and unfortunately you cannot avoid it. Lifes a rollercoaster of emotions and you’ll experience your ups and downs. You’ll hear “lifes not fair” quite often too, sooner or later you’ll understand why that’s said. Through time you’ll meet a lot of people, and as I said before “lifes not fair”. Some people will want you in their life more than you’ll want them in your life or vise versa. If you’re like me you get pretty attached quickly; having an open heart can be beneficial at times but can also wind you up for heartbreak. You’ll welcome many different faces into your life and a lot might leave before the party even gets started, but when the party does start they’ll be knocking on your door again. Just like i said before, “lifes not fair” and let me tell you why. People will be coming and going any time of the day of your life, and there you will be near the door waiting to hear that knock. Wasting your time, just to greet the same faces JUST SO THEY CAN LEAVE. After awhile you’ll get impatient and tired and realize you just wasted time you can’t get back.
In my past my open heart was the main thing people liked about me, they felt comfortable telling me secrets, being themselves, pouring their emotions, spending time with me, and so on. I fed off of people’s happiness, it’s what made happy. I believed if they are happy im doing something right to be responsible for that. So i made it my job. I turned 14 and I was just about to enter my high-school years. Years that will be filled with tears of joy and sadness, and I was fully prepared for that. I believed that teenagers were prone to making mistakes and infamous for rebelling and making their own rules, I was envious of my own generation. They were loose and had not a single care in the world, and sometimes I wish I was too. I believed that we didn’t mean what we were doing, and we always had the excuse of “kids being kids” under our belts that would clean up the mess we made. I was excited to make relationships and to grow. I was convinced High School was full of lust and fun and fireworks and was just a whole fantasy. I mean, it was claimed to be the “best years of your life”. Right? If we’re so young and we should learn from our mistakes in order to grow, shouldn’t we be granted a second chance, to apply the new right from wrong we learned for the future? Yes. I was 14, I was vulnerable, clueless, and naive. It was obvious in my High-School years I was going to tumble a couple times. Made the mistake of not studying a couple times, I made the mistake of sleeping through 1st period at least 5x, I also made the mistake of being unprepared for gym.
But my idea of “mistakes” were not the same as other kids in my grade.
In 2016, I began dating. I was nervous but excited to embark on this new experience. I thought I was in love and I believe he was the one, and we did almost everything together. We grew a lot together, in 3 years he taught me to be the generation I was once envious of, and I taught him to be happy of himself and to create a positive perspective on life. We made mistakes together and picked each other up. With the heart I have, I tend to be a little forgiving because, well, everybody makes mistakes. We were happy, or so I thought. As I said in the beginning, I feed off of people’s happiness and feel responsible for their emotions, it’s what makes me happy. 3 years in, we knew each other’s weaknesses and our strengths. Mine was my open heart, my understanding, simply my caring self. I was my own weakness. I wanted to help him grow, I wanted to pick him up whenever he fell even if I fell with him. I wanted to show him, that I was there. Second chances turned into twenty chances, and mistakes turned into lying. It seemed to be that, the love of my life at the time, couldn’t tell the difference between lying and making a simple mistake. Now, maybe I was behind in life and I missed out on the new definition for mistakes. But my ideas of “mistakes” were not the same as kids in my grades. I would find myself to be home glued to my phone and eyes focused on the moving pixels that shaped my boyfriends figure with other females, but it was a “mistake” “I didn’t know any better” and “It’s not what it looks like”. It would be turned into my mistake of assuming such accusations. I would be ignored for days due to the offense taken for the thoughts and emotions running through my mind that night, I wasn’t understanding enough, I wasn’t there. But I was. I was there, near the door waiting to hear that knock. The more I waited, the more I blamed myself. Was I the one who needed the 2nd chance? Why wasn’t I getting it? Why was I sitting in the corner thinking of what I DID? It was bullshit. 3 years wasted, each chance being another spit to the face, taken advantage of. Blinded by love, giving chances like they were free and not earned. I locked the door and took it upon myself to not make the mistake to give second chances. I lost the belief of trust, and if one cared enough, wouldn’t sob for a free allowance to hurt someone. But would take accountability and fix themselves for the future. If someone truly cared enough, I believe they would not be needed to be told what their mistake was, because they would know. I laugh now at the idea of a second chance, who would sign themselves up just to be hurt again? Why give them the okay, why wouldn’t you rather have them grow on their own and better themselves. “Lifes not fair” and it’s not fair to hold the hands that beat you, and it’s not fair to bite the hand that feeds you.
